Healing the need to “do” and perform in order to be happy

Whenever I reflect back on my life, I see that the times when I was constantly doing something were when I was the least happy. 

Actually, it was not even that I was unhappy. It was that I was unable to feel happiness. Because I was unable to feel anything. 

I was keeping myself “occupied” with what I was doing so I didn’t have to feel… 

Yes, there was stress, worry, and frustration about my work/ performance. But I thought it could be far worse, if I wasn’t doing anything and was not producing “results.” 

So I kept doing, trying, performing… believing that one day all this constant doing and striving would eventually lead me to happiness. 

Except it never did… at least in a lasting, satisfying way. 

~

This is a doership cycle of suffering that a lot of women find themselves in, especially if you’ve considered yourself as high-achieving, hardworking, or ambitious. 

Most of us grew up being told that in order to win the rewards (of love/appreciation) from our parents, we need to have done something big. On top of that, society glorifies material things and a work-hard-play-hard lifestyle which makes us believe that we need to be constantly “working on our goals” in order to live a happy, fulfilling life. 

And little do we know, we become slaves to what we do. Life becomes a long, tiring road filled with all the things we have to do/achieve. Then there are constant thoughts about what you need to do next, and next, and next.

Our minds become restless machines that are constantly plotting, scheming, and worrying about the future.

And we think that this way of living is normal– because everyone we know prides themselves on work-related stress like they are badges of honor.

And everywhere you look at social media, you see people telling you what you need to do in order to have what they have. 

When the truth is, our souls are tired. 

The soul is exhausted from constantly striving, plotting, performing. 
The soul is depleted from always trying to do something. 
The soul is worn out from needing to chase for things in order to be happy. 

The soul wants a different way of living.
~ 

However, what keeps a lot of women still stuck in the former, effortful way of living—is a belief that you don’t deserve happiness unless you’ve “earned it.” 

It’s the same thing in relationships when a woman doesn’t believe that she deserves great love (e.g. a loving partner) until she has “fixed” herself. Or in a career/business when you believe that you don’t deserve financial rewards until you have “sacrificed” yourself. 

Imagine a little girl being told that she doesn’t deserve what she desires until she has put so much effort in attaining it. This is what’s happening when we are trying to “do” something in order to be happy. 

And I get it. The reason why many people believe it is because such belief served us at one point in time.

Like for one, it’s an empowering way of living for a lot of people, because it moves them from not believing in themselves to feeling like at least they can “do” something. It gives people a sense of power like they can have what they want once they put effort in it. 

However, the limitation with this belief is that it puts your desires away from where you are. It’s like telling yourself that you’re “lacking” in what you desire, unless you do xyz. In other words, it sets a barricade between happiness and where you are. 

When the truth is, happiness is available right where you are.

Just like how love, wisdom, and abundance are available, right where you are. It’s only an illusion of the mind that believes that you have to “do” something before you can experience what it is that you ARE. And so we block ourselves from experiencing what we desire in this present moment.

And this illusion (i.e. that you can’t be happy yet) is created by an underlying guilt and shame around you who you are. It can feel like “you are worthless” or that “you are a nobody” if you are not doing anything.

Which is why in order to feel happy where you are, it’s necessary to see the true value of who you already are even when you are doing NOTHING (I talked about finding your true value in the article here). 

Once you see the true value of you (that you are of infinite worth even when you haven’t done something “big”), what you will realize is that guilt and shame are only emotions that are afraid of being unloved.

They are merely energies trying their best to make you do the “right” thing so that you can be loved. The key to healing them is to realize that there is nowhere to seek love from because ultimately YOU are the source of love. 

And you can do so by saying words like: 

• I allow you to feel like a nobody

• I love you even when you do nothing

• I value you even when you do nothing etc. 

In essence, you heal by letting yourself receive the love you think that “doing” will give you. Once you do that, all these energies of guilt, shame, and worthlessness will begin to pass through you like a waterfall.

This is how you finally get to the place of happiness that you’ve always longed for (but never thought you could arrive). 

And the beauty of being “there” already (i.e. being happy already) is that you don’t have to try hard to get what you desire anymore. 

Instead, what you desire becomes naturally drawn to you. For instance, if you desire to find a relationship partner or let’s say a business opportunity, you encounter people that match exactly what you desire (or even better) through unexpected ways. You feel like life is showering you with surprise gifts and miracles because you let go of control through endless doing (and instead let God/ Universe do it for you).

Not only that, life becomes so much easier because every action that needs to be done, begins to flow through you. It’s like you just “know” what to do, instead of needing to “figure it out.”

Life becomes luxuriously simple because all you’ve gotta do is follow what feels like love and excitement to you. You find that life is the ultimate DOER, Not you (i.e. the small, separate personal self).

And so, your actions begin to not only take care of you but also lead to the highest benefit of all.  Which means your actions now carry way more impact, resonance, and depth than before.

Honestly, I can go on and on about how good life is when you prioritize “being” over “doing.” But you have to experience it for yourself to see how much more enjoyable your life becomes when you take care of how you feel instead of what you do.

Because when you do that, you will realize that life wants nothing but for you to feel good, in everything you do. For you feeling good is how you let everyone else around you feel good too… 

From my heart to yours, 
Chan Myae