How to be happy being alone (the key to experiencing deep love)
As a society, we’re led to believe that we can only be happy when we’re with other people.
So we seek fame on Instagram because we want other people to validate us.
Or tolerate toxic relationships because we’re afraid other people might leave us.
Or jump from one romantic relationship to another– only to deal with the same issues, the same patterns, with different faces.
Because deep down we’re afraid of being alone.
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This is a common block I see many women experiencing when it comes to experiencing more wholesome love in your relationships.
It’s this clinginess to be with someone, to avoid being with yourself.
It’s this need to be with someone who loves you because you don’t love yourself.
This is especially true because as women, ever since we were young, we were programmed to believe that someone else (outside of you) is the answer to the pain you’re feeling.
With movies like Cinderella, making us believe that only if we meet a charming prince like her, can we be happy.
And that until we are unworthy, or “not good enough” if we are by ourselves– like being an unpopular kid at elementary school.
I know this because I’ve been in those places myself. I got bullied at elementary school for being different, so tried anything I could to fit in with others. I put on a likable personality in my business to not be abandoned by my “followers.” I begged guys to be with me because I valued them (or rather the idea of being with them) more than I valued myself.
But what I've learned is that none of that led me to true happiness (and love).
Because I was trying to run away from being alone. I thought being alone meant being a loner/loser. I thought being alone meant loneliness.
When the truth is, it doesn’t have to be.
Because it is actually in the aloneness (i.e. through allowing yourself to be alone) that you can know what love actually is.
It is through the love you experience with yourself that you allow the same love from other people.
This goes for romantic relationships, friendships, family relationships and beyond… We cannot receive from other people what we haven’t given to ourselves.
Which is why relationship in your life will UPLEVEL once you learn to be happy alone. And the crazy thing is, when you do, you won’t even have to try or “manifest love” anymore. Because you’re receiving love from all corners of life, regardless of where you are and what you do.
This may not make sense at first when you haven’t first accepted aloneness. But the experience of unconditional love (and more loving, deepened relationships) will be your daily lived experience, when you finally heal the fear of aloneness.
To illustrate this, here are two recent cases where I helped my 1:1 clients experience unconditional love (and therefore happiness)-- through accepting being alone. *Anonymous names are used for confidential reasons.
Case 1: When the need to be with others blocks you from being free
Andy had a long time experience of social anxiety and had trouble speaking in front of others. She desired a deepened connection with her friends, yet found herself stumbling on words and overthinking on what to say whenever she hung out around them. And so, in terms of her friendships and romantic relationships, she didn’t feel loved, seen, and heard, since she couldn’t “be herself” around them.
When Andy mentioned this to me, I received an immediate intuitive hit that it was coming from the fear of aloneness. My intuition (Spirit) showed me an image of a bird wanting to fly with the flock so much that she is afraid of her own voice which was different from others. This made sense to Andy as everytime she was alone at night, she would have a sinking feeling of not being worthy for being sad and being by herself.
To heal this wound, Spirit showed me a psychic image of Andy’s inner child being alone, wearing a heavy, black rain coat under heavy rain, while watching other kids having fun inside of the buildings through the glass windows. This resonated with Andy because she feels so much desire to receive validation from others, just like how little Andy wanted to be accepted by the other kids who seemed to be having fun inside these glass windowed buildings. And the rain represented the sadness she was feeling.
But through channeling the Higher Self of Andy, we connected her to the presence of love that is way bigger and greater, even compared to that of all the kids combined.
We connected her to the love that is always overlooking and tending to her like a giant umbrella, even if she was alone. We also saw that the truth is, other kids (i.e. other people) actually wanted to be under that “umbrella” too, because now they don’t have to be trapped inside of the buildings– instead they can walk around the streets, even if they are alone like little Andy. And so, with the presence of Andy’s Higher Self, everyone now gets to experience true love and is free to do and have what they want (including Andy as well as everyone around her).
After the session, Andy told me that in fact this love she experienced through her Higher Self (in our session together) was in fact better than anything in this world– even more than the love from her parents. And I agree because it’s even better than romantic love (especially the kind that is portrayed in movies which is actually just attachment love rather than unconditional love).
Through receiving this love, Andy healed her fear of speaking in front of others and can open her heart to be seen and loved by others. She felt whole, complete, and perfect for being herself– which is a feeling she has always wanted.
Case 2: When the need to be with someone blocks you from finding true love
Amelia was in a marriage that was falling apart where she was verbally abused and blamed by her partner for not being “good enough.” She wanted to leave the marriage yet was afraid that she would “end up being alone” so was trying to stay in a marriage where she was criticized and judged everyday. She was also afraid that even if she leaves this marriage, her next partner would also end up not respecting her just like her current relationship.
With all of that, her fear of being alone was not only costing not only her ability to be with someone who actually cares about her but also her sense of happiness and peace.
When we got onto a healing call, Spirit showed me a psychic image of Amelia’s inner child being locked in a dark room with a blaring loud speaker that was constantly admonishing, judging and belittling her. Amelia confirmed with me that in fact this is how she feels in her marriage everyday. In her psyche, we saw that little Amelia was kneeling down to please that voice, so she can earn love from it.
But through channeling Amelia’s Higher Self, we connected her to the kind of love that wraps around her just like a pillow where she can feel safe and protected. Unlike the blaring speaker, this new type of love always accepts and loves her no matter what she does. It was the kind of love that little Amelia has always wanted as a child (and even in her adult) life but could never have.
And through bringing that love in, little Amelia realizes that she is safe to get out of this room (which represents her current toxic relationship) to discover newer, bigger, and brighter rooms that she has never experienced before. This unblocks the belief in her that she would be attracting the same type of toxic love no matter what she does.
A few weeks after we had the session, I was surprisingly amazed to see Amelia GLOWING. She now stands up for herself, speaks up for herself, and has now initiated the finalization of the marriage.
Unlike before, she no longer worries about being alone (and that nobody will be with her) anymore because she has so much trust in herself now. She now loves herself enough to only be with someone who is worthy of the unconditional love she radiates. And I can tell, this energy is out-of-the-world magnetic. This kind of energy is what the Universe LOVES and brings the surprise loving miracles to us. I can attest this from my own experience, as in when I embodied that exact energy and manifested my husband coming into my life, two weeks after that.
As with many things in life, anything that we are trying to run away from is what you will encounter more of. This goes the same for the fear of aloneness– as long as we are afraid of being alone, we will be attracting situations in our lives that make you feel more alone (and therefore not fully loved).
For that, what I have come to realize is that life does this so that you realize the truth that you are actually never alone. In other words, life presents situations that trigger the fear of being alone only to help you realize that you are in fact never alone.
Because the truth is, it is only the mind that thinks we are alone. But when we live from our hearts, the presence of love around you (call it God/Universe) always exists. Who you are IS love, and love can never be away from love. We only become disconnected from others when we are disconnected to the unconditional love within us. Which is why the first place to always find more love in this world is to always experience it in ourselves first.
