Why self help is not helping you find peace

If you’re reading this article, I’m guessing that you’re already well familiar with the motivation-hype-driven, heavy-grunt-effort world of self-help. 

With phrases like:
“Become your best self,” 
“Go hard or go home” 
“Hustle harder than everyone else” etc. 

Or perhaps, you’re familiar with the softer-yet-still-outcome-based, spiritualized versions of self-help that uses spirituality to “develop” yourself.

With phrases like: 
“Manifest your dream life”
“Align your energy to attract this and that” 
“Become your future self” etc. 

And I’m sure both of these tools of self help have served you well. In fact, they may have even helped you attract the achievements, the outcomes, and success you wanted. Which is amazing…

However, if you clicked on this article, there may be a part of you that perhaps feels kinda tired, discontent, or even limited by these tools. And no, I’m not bashing anyone or any particular teaching in general; I just know that there is a yearning inside the soul that wants deeper… 

Deeper than manifesting your dream relationship or having a fat bank account. 

Deeper than attracting the attention and fame in the world. 

This longing is not just in you and me. It’s in the collective– the psyche of so many women who’ve been told that happiness lies only in the material things.. 

And to the soul, all of this striving and pushing to fix and “improve” yourself– in order to change the material/external world can become exhausting. It can feel like running on an endless hamster wheel where there is always a monster ahead of you that you need to overcome. This overwhelm is especially true if you identify yourself as sensitive, an empath, or an intuitive. 

I felt it all myself on the journey of finding inner peace. I felt the burden of being a high-achiever, or the great-manifestation-expert– whatever you call it. 

And I wanted to share with you things I’ve found regarding self help that can block your way to finding peace and fulfillment. That way, you can see how you can go deeper than common self-help approaches for finding deep contentment in your inner being too…

Reaching for society’s ideal

In the self help world, there is always this underlying pressure to become your own end game superlative. “Become your richest, hottest, the most magnetic, the most ultimate version of you” they say… 

While there is nothing wrong with aiming to evolve toward becoming our higher selves, however, what I’ve found is that most of the time, this superlative, end-goal dream is not even true to who we are. 

Like yes, we can become “the hottest” but for who? To your ex? Your mom? Your social media audience? The same thing, we can be striving to become “the richest” but according to whose standards?

What you will find is that usually with the image of the“best” version that we are trying to reach, it is shaped by what your family/ your social programming deems as “perfect.” Deep down, you may not even genuinely want it.  

I’ve heard of stories of women who reached peak heights of their career, achieving society’s definitions of “success” yet being left with an emptiness and “meh” feeling inside (as in this video of a lifestyle youtuber example here). 

I’ve felt that hollow feeling myself too whenever I crossed off manifestation checklists in the past, where the satisfaction only lasted a short while, soon to be replaced by the hunger for the “next” goal. 

And what I’ve learned from all of this is that emptiness happens because we are chasing for the ideals set by society, rather than the soul. It happens when we aren’t doing things just for ourselves but are trying to impress, prove, or perform for the world (which can really be tempting especially on social media). 

Yet, the soul has a different taste on how you actually want to be/live that is wholly unique and personalized to you. Carl Jung, calls this the individuation process– a necessary process that wants to be lived through us. It is only following that unique inner calling of yours can fulfill us and make us feel whole. 

Running away from our shadows

As a soul healer, the other thing that I find really problematic with the self help world is the negation of the negatives. We are taught to only be “positive,” “have high vibes,” and become the “best” version of ourselves. 

Yet, what happens when we only cling onto the positives is that we end up feeling shame, sadness, and/or self-hate when we DON’T experience the positives. As in, comparing yourself with other women who are “further ahead,” or judging yourself, or feeling worthless when you aren’t where you expect to be. 

And your mind may convince you that all that self-judgement and self-hate is needed.“Otherwise if you are content with yourself, you’re not going to get anywhere…” the inner critic may say.  

But the truth, my love, is that as long as we are trying to run away from parts of you that you deem as “bad,” these abandoned parts of ourselves will haunt us one way or another.

Like yes, you can achieve it all and look all perfect on the outside, but if you are afraid of NOT being perfect, the imperfect version ends up eating you on the inside.

As in: 

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Having a strong inner critic that keeps criticizing every move you make

• Feeling tightness and tension in parts of your body

• Having mental restlessness

• Having irrational thoughts like “what if I do this wrong?,” “What if this goes away?”

• Needing to overplan everything due to lack of trust

• Having fears around showing a less than perfect version of you 

• Still not being satisfied with where you are

• Being afraid of losing control and fear of uncertainty

All of this is just an overview of how neurotic we can get when we are only embracing the “positives” and running away from our “negatives.” And this happens because we are going against life, our own psyche, and our soul. And as a result of it, we end up losing our wholeness, and become restricted to the shallowness of only sticking to the “positives.”

Disconnection from the present Now moment

Another obstacle to peace that you may notice when you are deeply vested in the self help world is the disconnection to the present moment. 

It is that nagging feeling inside your chest that is always focused on what’s “wrong”, “missing,” or “lacking” in this moment. This pairs with the analytical mind that is always thinking about what could be better and improved for the future. 

At first glance, this way of living may seem like a common, ambitious way of going about life. Self help gurus may even preach on the importance of staying hungry, and to never be satisfied. 

Yet what I’ve found is that this constant obsession about the future is the exact reason why we are never at peace (and fulfilled Here). It’s like running after the sun on the horizon, trying to reach for it. But the sun still remains far away while the beauty of what’s around you is left unwitnessed. 

And then, there is this one manifestation teaching that I’ve heard too: to have one foot in but one foot out. Meaning, to be grateful for what’s here, while still reaching for the future. 

And while it may seem “practical,” what I’ve learned from my personal experience is that still… it doesn’t let me fully be here. Because as long as we are still reaching to be somewhere else, we will never feel like we’re arriving. And as long as we are still chasing what’s next, we will never be fully receiving the gift of life that’s here. 

Being a separate self

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The final piece I want to touch on here is how when I was in the self-help world, I felt like I was always a small, separate self, cut off from the unity of life.

Meaning, yes I did have moments of “winning” and “achieving” but it was always me having to conquer and fight against life’s challenges. It was always “me” needing to figure out, plan ahead, and trying to control the things I can’t.  

Similarly, when I was in the manifestation world, it was still my personal self that was trying to “manifest” and so in a way trying to control reality.

We are told things like “You are the creator of your reality” when the truth is, we are NOT the sole creator, at least not the ego self with a limited personal identity. There is the Divine, the Universe, Source, whatever you call it, that is creating it All… 

And what I’ve found is that as long as we are attached to the small, separate, personal identity (with separate desires from life’s/ God’s desires), we are still limited to the bounds of suffering. As in:

• Overemphasizing your desires (e.g. dream job/dream car) so much that you can’t feel whole and complete without them 

• Attaching so much on a limited identity (e.g. a successful entrepreneur, a wealthy individual) that you don’t know who you are beyond them 

• Becoming anxious or frustrated when outcomes don’t align with your efforts, believing that your personal struggles are a reflection of your own inadequacy

• Thinking that the Universe is a “cosmic vending machine” that pumps out what you desire based on your good thoughts. And so you end up having a transactional relationship with the Divine instead of experiencing unconditional love and trust. 

• Unconsciously comparing or competing your own manifestations with other people which therefore only continues the illusion of separation and keeps suffering alive. 

My love, if you find yourself ever engrossed in these ways of being, know that it’s actually not about the external circumstances that you don’t find yourself at peace. Rather, it happens because we become trapped in the limited identification of the small self (i.e. the ego) where we think we are the “doer” who is fully in charge of life with self-help and manifestation tactics. 

When really, there is the Divine that is here to guide you, holding your hand, and is here to move through you at every step. There is the Divine that knows what’s best for us and does what’s best for us more than anything we ever could… Our peace, freedom, and joy merely rests upon trusting and allowing this Higher Will of God. 

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My hope is that as you read this post, you get to see the limitations of self-help so that you can find peace, joy, and fulfillment by going past that, to instead merging with the Divine Will. 

And I know this article may not be for everyone, because to most people the empowering nature of self-help is what is most needed. But if you are have been in self-help/ manifestation world for long, yet still do not feel satisfied with your life, it’s because your soul is looking for more… and this article (and my blog in general) is to point to That which you are, deep down, looking for. 

P.S. If this resonates with your journey, and you’ve been yearning to break free from the endless cycle of striving and instead experience oneness and effortless being, I’d love to invite you to a free healing call.

This is a space where we can explore the deeper desires of your soul, connect with peace and fulfillment that lies within you, and uncover how my private coaching can help you live in alignment with the Divine flow. And if it’s not a fit for you, it’s totally find too. I will point you to another direction that serves you.

Much love,

CM