How I married my dream partner—Qualities of a healthy, fulfilling relationship
The first day I met my husband online, I blocked him on the phone.
“He is very charming and well-spoken,” I thought after a few deep conversations. But his jokes annoyed me somewhat.
He felt “too” confident; like he was “too” proud of himself. And after he made a few flirtatious jokes alluding to how cool he was (he was saying it to win me over), I texted him something like…
“You know, I think you’re a sweet boy, but I’m looking for a MAN”
And bam… I blocked him. Thinking I will never text him ever again.
.
.
Fast forward to 7 years later, we’re now happily married– and I never knew I could love someone this much.
Our relationship ages like fine wine. It just gets better and better with time. (Although yes, on the first day the wine was too strong that I almost threw it out of my cabinet lol).
I love his over-confident smile. His snarky jokes. His playful childlike manners hidden under a manly demeanor. Basically I love everything about him. And he does the same for me.
He’s my best friend and my dream partner. I feel at home when I’m with him. He’s my biggest cheerleader and I’m his. And I can’t think of anyone else whom I could spend my life together with.
And to be honest, I never knew this could be a reality of mine…
Especially since I grew up with parents who didn’t get along quite well. I never knew what a healthy, peaceful relationship was like until I experienced it myself.
And no, I’m not that type of girl who would get into a unicorn relationship on her first try. I have had a fair share of painful heartbreaks. I’ve been dumped. I’ve been in one-sided relationships. I almost begged for a guy to be with me at one point.
Looking back, it made me ask myself… What changed? What did I do to attract this dream partner of mine? What made it such a healthy, fulfilling relationship?
These are the questions that my clients have for me too, as we redesign their lives to be happier, more peaceful, and more fulfilling. And so today, I thought I would reverse engineer my dream relationship– sharing with you on how I attracted this type of I-am-so-happy-to-be-with-this-person type of relationship, so you can have for yourself too.
You get to decide who you want.
What made the difference between my dream partner vs heartbreakers that I’ve dated earlier is that with my dream partner, I consciously chose him– way before I met him.
After a breakup before I met him, I decided that enough is enough.
I decided that if I was going to be dating again, he’d better meet my edge in so many ways. I listed out a full page of all the things that I wanted in a partner and decided that until someone meets all those qualities, I’m not going to be settling for anyone.
I adopted the mindset that there are plenty of fish in the ocean. I held the belief that there is an abundance of good men out there who share the qualities that I want. And I held the belief that I would be irresistible to the right man.
And two weeks later after a friend of mine introduced me to a dating app, I met my husband there.
Two weeks. Yes, it can be that fast when we choose and we decide.
But I wasn’t even trying to make it fast. I was delightfully enjoying my time of singledom.
I decided that if it was going to be my last time being single, why not enjoy it to the fullest…
And I did. I had all the fun in the world going on dates and flirting with men (even after I began talking to my now husband). I enjoyed my time being my own biggest girl crush. And I learned the art of being able to decide quickly on whether someone’s not a match or not (and I mean beyond a swipe on a dating app).
And when the right person came (i.e. my husband), he couldn’t resist that. He could feel the energy of me enjoying myself and not needing a man to fill the spot. He could feel the firmness of me knowing exactly what I want and not willing to settle for anything less than that. To the right men, being confident in yourself is highly attractive.
Which is why I believe that the key to attracting the right man (or really anyone– whether that is friendships, or customers/clients), is what you believe about yourself and what you believe you are worth.
When you know who you are and the qualities you bring to the table, you are able to set the bar higher for who’s worthy of your time/energy and who’s not.
Your dream relationship can’t add to what you don’t already have.
Another thing I believe, that makes my marriage sparkled-with-love-and-joy is that we both are very fulfilled with our own lives, even outside of this marriage.
It means our cups are full already– he is happy with his job/soul purpose; I’m happy with my business/soul purpose.
And when two individuals who are already fulfilled with themselves meet, we can’t help but make it even more extraordinary for the other person too.
This is what makes it a Hieros Gamos– a sacred divine union. It’s an everflowing fullness when two energies, flourishing in their own accords meet.
However, a common mistake that I see happening in the dating world is that many people are trying to date/marry someone to fill in some void of emptiness/ loneliness. In other words, they feel a sense of “lack” like they are missing something in their lives… thinking that if they have someone by their side, the void will magically disappear.
When the truth is, it will not–except for temporary moments like when having hot s*x or on your wedding day.
The void will only amplify overtime, especially if the other person is feeling a void in themselves too. This is what leads to unfulfilling relationships because you expect the other person to make you feel happy and they expect you to too.
This is also what leads to things like:
Not being able to trust each other
Controlling each other/ having unmet expectations
Feeling neediness for the other
Having a one-sided, imbalanced actions where one is caring more about the other
Blaming the other person for your emotions etc.
All of which are consequences of using relationship/marriage to fill in an empty pit of void we feel deep down inside.
A healthy relationship comes down to both partners taking responsibility for how they feel and taking ownership for their own inner fulfillment (or lack thereof).
It comes down to both parties experiencing the wholeness and perfection that already exists in themselves.
Because only then can we bring the fullness of love we already experience within to the other. This is one of the biggest reasons why I believe that the work I do here with my clients (for being happy & fulfilled in ourselves) is so vital for creating healthy, dream partner relationships in our lives as well.
A dream partner welcomes all that you are
The final quality that truly stands out in my marriage (and I believe every healthy relationship does) is that there is no censoring at all.
He welcomes all of me. He accepts and loves all of me. And because of it, I would say that my husband my #1 favorite person that I feel most safe to be with.
With him I can be anything. I can be a goofball, a silly girl, a wh0re, a queen, a lover… all the different parts of me get to come alive and play when I’m with him. I don’t have to hold myself back for anything when I’m around him. Likewise, he can also be the same around me.
And through these multitudes of varying aspects of ourselves, we become one.
To me, this is what makes true love. It’s when you feel seen and loved for all that you are. It’s the kind of love that makes you feel safe to be who you are. It’s the kind of love that is unbounded and peaceful.
And I have to say that this love is simply an outward manifestation of what I experience within myself.
At one point, I decided to love, respect, and accept all of me. I cultivated the safety to know all of me. I longed to express all that I AM… (that is, the divine essence in me).
And this relationship came about, holding space for us to experience this bliss. We learned what it’s like to love unconditionally– both to ourselves and to each other. We saw the divine in every part of each other and helped bring these qualities in each other. We learned together what true love was.
To me, all of these qualities above make my relationship feel special, even beyond Valentine's day. And if you are reading this (and have reached this point), I want to affirm to you CAN have that too.
It’s not just the “special people” who are chosen by cupids that can experience healthy, fulfilling love. It’s a gift of transcendent wonder that we all can have, when we decide and become what we love. And I know that you know this deep down too.
After all, it is LOVE who created all of us. For love is what makes your very being and is in your very bones. So why would love (call it God/Universe) keep us away from finding true love….
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Want to have healthy, fulfilling relationships (while experiencing peace & happiness even in your everyday moments)? Schedule a free clarity call with me and I will guide you on your next steps.
