Unconditional happiness is yours if you release these mental patterns
When it comes to experiencing happiness, a lot of people think of changing the external world first.
We think that “if only” we buy a house, go on a vacation, get married etc. we will finally get to the heavenly-paradise-land that we want.
Social media convinces us further that this is the case– that happiness lies on “the other side of” shopping hauls, luxury yachts, and private jets.
And so a lot of people spend their whole lives chasing these things: only to find out that they still feel unhappy…
This is the hamster-wheel of pleasure-seeking hedonic cycle that a lot of people are trapped in. We chase for one thing then the other, experiencing a “high” for a few brief moments, then go back to square one again.
What we do not know is that the reason why we feel unhappy is not necessarily because we need more stuff. You can live in a big mansion but still feel empty.
Rather, the reason we feel unhappy is because of what’s deeper inside…
It’s like looking at the world through grey-colored lenses and trying to paint the world a different color. And no matter what color you paint, all you see is grey.
This is what it’s like to be trying to fix the external world in order to be happy, yet still finding yourself unsatisfied. That’s because the root goes much deeper than how your life looks on the outside.
Instead the source of unhappiness comes from how your mind thinks and what it’s doing to you and your state of being.
I call them mental “viruses” because they literally are like computer bugs. No matter what software you try to install in your computer, they will ruin the quality of your “user experience.”
And below are some of the most common happiness-numbing, joy-depriving mental patterns that I’ve learned to prevent us from experiencing unconditional happiness which you so deserve…
Mental judgements
Buddha has once said
“In life we can’t always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. The second arrow is optional.”
What this means is, in life we cannot always control what happens to us. Yet, it is our judgment of what's happening that inflicts us with greater suffering.
For instance, you can be stuck in traffic (like all humans do). But if you’re judging that it’s bad because it is “slowing you down” and “you’re going to be late” you’re going to be frustrated the whole time driving.
But if you observe what’s happening without judgment, you get to your destination with effortlessness and peace; and who knows you may even get aha moments while waiting in traffic!
I see this mental pattern playing out time and time again among my past self and clients whom I’ve worked with as well. In business scenarios, this can look like judging that you are not able to help others because you are not at the “right” place yet. Or judging that your business is not going to take off because not enough people clicked on your links etc.
It is the mental judgments that block us from seeing the perfect reality as it is. Whether it is judgments unto ourselves, judgment toward others, or judgment toward life, they only perpetuate the narrative that what we have is lacking and not enough.
And so we shut ourselves off from receiving miracles that life is giving to us… at this very moment.
The shoulds
The other mental pattern that block us from being happy now is wondering about the shoulds. For nothing makes your life more grueling and effortful than following the “shoulds.”
With questions like,
What should I do in order to be successful?
What should I say in order to make this person like me?
How should I sound like to impress this person? Etc.
Shoulds imply that in order to be happy, you need to do what you don’t genuinely enjoy. Shoulds imply that you need to sacrifice your happiness now in order to be happy later. Shoulds imply that you need to distort who you are in order to keep happiness. Shoulds imply that you don’t get to choose what you want.
When the truth is, you have the free-will to choose what you want– including what you do and how you feel.
You get to choose your attitude to life, even if it may seem like sometimes you have no choice among the options that life presents to you. You get to choose the path of the most High.
To realize this truth is to return to the awareness of a creator that you are, which is where the essence of freedom (and happiness) lies.
Personal identification
The other cause of suffering (i.e. the root of unhappiness) lies in personally identifying yourself with what you have. That means taking everything personally and making every little circumstance in life mean something about you.
I learned this hard lesson when I first got started in my business, when I would personally identify myself with the results my business makes.
This personal (ego) identification led to pride when I did see “wins.” However, when I didn’t get what I expected– like when prospects rejected me on sales calls, I would totally be devastated and crushed. I would have breakdowns almost everyday because I felt so much shame for “being behind” compared to my entrepreneur friends.
And I see how this tendency to personally identify with the things you see in your reality blocks your soul from creating what you want.
For instance, when you are writing content and you don’t see as many “likes” as you want, the tendency to personally identify with results only leads to self-shame and doubting yourself.
Overall, personally identifying with your reality only makes you paralyzed to your calling and therefore creating a fulfilling life that you want.
Worrying
The other mental pattern that rob us away from happiness is worrying. That is, the constant emphasis on the future with lots of “what ifs” and “will I get it?”
And I know it’s easy to get caught up with worries especially in this day and age. If you’re a high-achieving woman/entrepreneur, it’s easy to get into the pattern of overthinking and overplanning because “if you don't, who else would figure it out?”
But what I’ve learned is that– most of the times, worrying doesn’t serve anyone good. It’s a form of mental restlessness: a futile activity that only makes you become more confused and “stuck.”
I saw this playing out the other day, when I saw my mind getting caught up in worries with regards to getting clients from Pinterest. Because it is a new platform which I haven’t had experience with before, I felt my mind panicking and asking things like “what if it doesn’t work out?”
And all those worries were sucking up my creative juices. They were making me hesitate in my actions and become unclear on how I could serve my audience…. Until I decided that worries have no room in my head.
The truth is, a peaceful mind is a clear mind. Yet worries are simply mental perturbations that disturb your inner pond of serenity, creating murky shadows that block you from seeing an easeful, enchanting life path.
Black-and-white thinking
The final reason that I see why our mental suffering (i.e. unhappiness) occurs is because we view reality through a black-and-white lens. That is, seeing that things are either good-or-bad, win-or-lose, make-or-break. So we start to cling to certain outcomes while failing to see the hidden treasures of the rest.
In relationships for instance, this black-and-white thinking can lead to the view that partnership is good while singledom is bad. And so a lot of women spend their time in relationships that they are not absolutely satisfied with, just because they view being single as bad.
The same thing in business; black-and-white thinking leads to things like sticking to a strategy that sucks your soul just because you are afraid of not seeing “results.”
The truth of the matter is that life exists in multi spectrum colors and there is a gift in everything we encounter (if we choose to see it).
Like in the example above, choosing to let go of a person/ a rubric that has “worked” in the past, can lead to things like rediscovering who you actually are, what you actually want, and doing things in a more fulfilling way that you haven’t had. Miracles come from letting go of your limited awareness and seeing the Divine, even in things you thought were “dark” aspects.
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A lot of people think that happiness can only come from adding more stuff into your life– e.g. adding more zeros to your bank account or adding more shoes to your closet. But if you’ve done that, you know chasing for happiness through the external means is like chasing smoke in your hands– you will “get” it for a brief moment but it will fade away into nothingness again.
That’s because the source of happiness is not outside of you; it lives inside of you. For bliss is like a well-spring that is able to stream forth, anytime you wish you wish to, if you just let go of mental patterns that were never actually yours.
